A sheriff’s deputy wondered at the hearse parked outside the Kitty Kat topless bar at 2:30 a.m. so he decided to investigate. He didn’t see the owner of the hearse. In fact, there was no one to be seen in the parking lot. At least, not yet. When he peered into the window of the hearse, he saw a man lying on a cot, fully-clothed, groomed, hair slicked down, and dead.
He located the driver of the hearse inside the bar, who explained that it was two hundred miles from the mortuary where he picked up the embalmed body of an eighty-eight year old man to the funeral home in Kentucky, a monotonous drive late at night with a non-talkative passenger. So he took a little break. No harm done, none intended, or so he thought.
“Tell it to the judge,” the deputy said, as he arrested the driver.
At his arraignment, the driver plead not guilty to abuse of a corpse and was freed on $50 bond. If convicted, he could be sentenced for up to ninety days and fined $750.
The owner of the hearse and funeral home accepted the man’s resignation the same day. He thanked the dead man’s family for being understanding. They thought Granddad might have enjoyed a stop at a topless bar on his way out, knowing he’d never have gotten away with such mischief while alive.
The dateline of this story was Columbus. Now, which Columbus? Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, or Texas? And those are just the Columbus’s in the South. Twenty states have cities, towns, or hamlets named Columbus. May be just as well we don’t know where the man had to wait out the topless dancers before he could find his resting place.
Nor do we know if the driver was convicted or not. If you see a hearse at a topless bar, don’t peek in the window.